This is the dream I had.
こんな夢を見た。
I was carrying a child on my back. He was six years old, and he was certainly my own son. But strangely, at some point he had become blind, and his head was shaved like a little monk's. "When did you lose your sight?" I asked. "Oh, long ago," he answered. His voice was a child's voice, but he spoke like a grown man. And he spoke to me as an equal.
六つになる子どもを背負っていた。たしかに自分の子だった。ただ不思議なことに、いつの間にか目がつぶれて、頭を丸めた小さな坊主のようになっていた。「お前の目はいつつぶれたんだい」と聞くと、「なに、昔からさ」と答えた。声はたしかに子どもの声なのに、口のきき方はまるで大人だった。しかも、こちらと対等の口ぶりだった。
There were green rice fields on both sides of us. The path was narrow. From time to time, the shadow of a white heron passed through the darkness.
左右は青い田んぼだった。道は細かった。ときどき、白い鷺の影が闇の中をよぎった。
"We are in the rice fields now," said the voice on my back. "How do you know?" I asked, turning my head. "Because the heron is crying, of course," he answered. Just then, the heron really did cry, twice.
「田んぼにかかったね」と、背中で言った。「どうしてわかる」と、顔を後ろへ振り向けて聞くと、「だって、鷺が鳴くじゃないか」と答えた。すると、鷺がほんとうに二声ほど鳴いた。
He was my own child, but I began to feel a little afraid of him. If I kept carrying something like this, I did not know what would happen to me. I looked around for a place to leave him. Ahead of us, in the darkness, I saw a large forest. "Over there, perhaps," I thought. At that very moment, someone on my back laughed softly: "Heh-heh." "What are you laughing at?" I asked.
わが子ながら、少し怖くなった。こんなものを背負っていては、この先どうなるかわからない。どこか捨てるところはないかと見回すと、行く手の闇の中に大きな森が見えた。あそこならば、と思ったとたん、背中で「ふふん」と笑う声がした。「何を笑うんだ」と私は聞いた。
The child did not answer. He only asked, "Father, am I heavy?" "No, you are not heavy," I said. "I will be heavy soon," he said.
子どもは返事をしなかった。ただ、「お父さん、重いかい」と聞いた。「重くはないよ」と答えると、「今に重くなるよ」と言った。
Without a word, I walked toward the forest. The path through the fields turned this way and that, so it was hard to go straight. After a while, the path divided in two. I stood at the place where it divided and rested for a moment.
私は黙って森を目指して歩いていった。田んぼの中の道はくねくねと曲がっていて、なかなか思うようにまっすぐ進めない。しばらく行くと、道が二つに分かれた。私は分かれ道の根もとに立って、ひと息ついた。
"There should be a stone standing here," said the little boy. He was right. There was a square stone, about as high as my waist. On it were the words "Hinogakubo to the left, Hottahara to the right." It was dark, but I could see the red letters clearly. They were the color of a newt's belly.
「石が立っているはずだがな」と小僧が言った。なるほど、腰ほどの高さの四角い石が立っていた。表には「左 日ヶ窪、右 堀田原」とあった。闇の中なのに、赤い字がはっきりと見えた。イモリの腹のような赤だった。
"Go left," the boy ordered. I looked to the left. From high in the sky, the forest was throwing its black shadow over our heads. I stopped for a moment. "You don't need to hold back," the boy said. I had no choice, so I began to walk toward the forest.
「左がいいだろう」と小僧が命令した。左を見ると、さっきの森が、高い空から私たちの頭の上へ黒い影を投げかけていた。私は少しためらった。「遠慮しなくてもいいよ」と小僧がまた言った。しかたなく、私は森のほうへ歩きだした。
He is blind, but he knows everything, I thought as I walked along the single path. Then the voice on my back said, "Being blind is really hard." "That is why I am carrying you," I said. "It is kind of you to carry me. But people laugh at me. Even my own parent laughs at me. That is not good."
目が見えないくせに何でも知っているな、と思いながら一本道を歩いていくと、背中で「どうも、目が見えないのは不自由でいけないね」と言った。「だから、こうして背負ってやっているじゃないか」「背負ってもらってすまないね。でも、どうも人にばかにされていけない。親にまでばかにされるから、いけない」
Suddenly I was sick of it all. I hurried on, because I wanted to reach the forest quickly and leave him there.
なんだかいやになった。早く森へ行って捨ててしまおうと思って、私は道を急いだ。
"A little farther, and you will understand," he said, as if he were talking to himself. "It was a night just like this." "What was?" I asked sharply. "What? You know very well," the child answered, as if he were mocking me. And somehow, I began to feel that I did know. But I could not remember clearly. I only felt that it had been a night like this, and that if I went a little farther, I would remember. If I remembered, it would be terrible. So I had to leave him before I understood, and then I would be safe. I walked faster and faster.
「もう少し行くとわかるよ。――ちょうどこんな晩だったな」と、背中でひとりごとのように言った。「何がだ」と、私はとがった声で聞いた。「何がって、知ってるじゃないか」と、子どもはあざけるように答えた。すると、なんだか知っているような気がしてきた。けれども、はっきりとは思い出せなかった。ただ、こんな晩だったように思えた。そして、もう少し行けばわかるように思えた。わかってしまっては大変だ。わからないうちに早く捨てて、安心しなければならない、と思った。私はますます足を速めた。
It had been raining for some time. The path grew darker and darker. I hardly knew what I was doing. On my back was a small child, and he was shining like a mirror. He lit up my past, my present, and my future, and he did not miss a single fact. And he was my own child. And he was blind. I could not bear it.
雨はさっきから降っていた。道はだんだん暗くなった。私はもう、ほとんど無我夢中だった。背中には小さな子どもがくっついていた。その子が鏡のように光って、私の過去も、現在も、未来も、すっかり照らし出していた。どんな小さな事実も見逃さなかった。しかもそれが、自分の子なのだ。そして、目が見えないのだ。私はたまらなくなった。
"Here. It's here. Right by the root of that cedar tree."
「ここだ、ここだ。ちょうどその杉の根のところだ」
The boy's voice was clear in the rain. Without thinking, I stopped. Before I knew it, I had come into the forest. A few steps ahead stood something black. Just as the boy said, it was a cedar tree.
雨の中で、小僧の声ははっきりと聞こえた。私は思わず立ちどまった。いつの間にか、森の中に入っていたのだ。少し先に黒いものが立っていた。小僧の言うとおり、たしかに杉の木だった。
"Father, it was by the root of that cedar, wasn't it?" "Yes, it was," I answered before I could stop myself. "It was in the fifth year of Bunka, the year of the dragon, wasn't it?" Yes, I thought. It must have been the fifth year of Bunka, the year of the dragon.
「お父さん、その杉の根のところだったね」「うん、そうだ」と、思わず答えてしまった。「文化五年、辰年だろう」なるほど、文化五年の辰年だったように思われた。
"It was exactly a hundred years ago that you killed me."
「お前がおれを殺したのは、今からちょうど百年前だね」
The moment I heard these words, I knew. A hundred years ago, in the fifth year of Bunka, on a dark night just like this, here by the root of this cedar, I had killed a blind man. For the first time, I understood that I was a murderer. At that very moment, the child on my back suddenly became as heavy as a stone statue of Jizo.
この言葉を聞いたとたん、私は思い出した。今から百年前、文化五年の辰年の、こんな闇の晩に、この杉の根もとで、一人の目の見えない男を殺したのだ。自分は人殺しだったのか、と初めて気がついた。その瞬間、背中の子が、急に石のお地蔵さまのように重くなった。
